Coming Out..

Hello, my name is Colton Aguilar and I’m Female to Male Transgender. I live in a small conservative town in Pennsylvania called Biglerville. I am 16 years old and I’m at the beginning of my transition. Ever since I was first able to talk I always knew I was different. Even when I was a little child I never wanted to dress in anything feminine. My mom always tried to and I just went with it, even if I didn't know that I was trans at the time, it just didn't feel right. At one point, I even slapped my mom when she tried to put me in a dress when I was 5 years old. I would always try to dress in my brother's clothes and use his swim trunks in the pool because that was what I felt was right, I didn't realize at such a young age that there was anything wrong with that.
Where I am from, transgender people are almost unheard of; for a while, the only solution had to the fact that I took a liking to girls, was that I was gay. However, the summer before 7th grade I was watching youtube and a video came up in my recommended Click Here. I clicked it and watched it. It described everything I was feeling. I soon realized that I was actually transgender. For I while I was in denial, mostly because of the recent coming out of Caitlyn Jenner and all the horrible comments people where making about her I was scared that if I said I was trans I would get bullied. Eventually I came to terms with it and tried to embrace who I really was. I started making youtube videos where I was open with my gender and hit over one million views in total. It felt great to have people who supported me at the time, even if it was just online it made me feel less alone. I was doing youtube for a few months when things took a turn for the worse. My mom found the channel, and one day she came in my room and asked if it was really true that I was trans, she said she would love me no matter what but I still denied it. Out of fear I deleted the channel and convinced her it wasn't true. I still regret it to this day not being open with her at that time of my life.
When I was in 8th grade I came out to a few close friends, they accepted me and I'm still close to many of them. 9th grade I met my girlfriend Lucy on Instagram. She’s one of the most supportive people in my life right now and has helped me through so much. In December I told my mom that I had a girlfriend and I took it as the chance to come out to her as transgender, thankfully she accepted me and I was able to start my transition. I got my first binder in January of 10th grade and got a haircut in February of 10th grade. I still have a lot of top dysphoria with the binder but it helped a lot. I'm still very dysphoric about my chest and I have a long way to go before I get completely comfortable with it. Despite the pain of such intense binding for full days it's something I feel the need to do even though I do not suggest it. A big step for me was that I got my name changed in the doctors system, so every time they call they use the right name which still, makes me happy every time. I pass a lot in public since I cut my hair I have passed in public every time, and it's something that I will never take for granted and what many people don’t understand is that gender is such a big deal.
Even without being out, I have gotten put down a lot and bullied for the way I dress, what I do, and how masculine I act. It's hard to ignore it but I try my best to ignore it but it's hard at points. Despite all this, with the help of my girlfriend, I decided to come out on social media to the kids at my school. My 11th-grade year starts very soon but all the support I've gotten so far has been good which is so much better than I could ever ask for. I’m very surprised with some people who tell me they support me. Especially since my town is filled with conservative people. I can’t wait to start Testosterone and hopefully get both surgeries when I’m 18. Coming out has been one of the best decisions in my life.

Contact me on Instagram @trans_boiii

Disclaimer: We understand the writer is underage, the permission before posting this blog post was taken from the parents of the writer.

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