I first realized I was transgendered when I was around 10-12 years old. It was the first time I ejaculated. When it happened I thought I peed myself, and went to clean myself up. It felt unnatural to me, as if something bad happened. I asked around school (asking my parents never occurred to me) and realized after talking to boys my age that I had ‘cum’.
The thing that bothered me about it, other than the temporary embarrassment, was what I was doing at the time. Most of the boys talked about thinking about girls, either a Charlie’s Angel or a Dallas Cheerleader or other sex objects from the late Seventies. I didn’t do that. I was imagining I was a girl, with a pillow I imagined to be a boy that was penetrating me as I humped it.
I didn’t have the word ‘transgendered’ at that time, I only knew I had a secret I didn’t think I could talk about.
If I had the ability to articulate it at the time, I probably would have realized it earlier. One of my earliest memories was going to our neighbor’s house and brushing her hair. She had long brunette hair that went to the base of her spine that I would comb for her for well over an hour. I would do the usual early trans female development thing of trying on my mom’s shoes. I wanted an EZ Bake Oven so I could take care of my own kitchen. There was a TV commercial selling a purse that I absolutely wanted, I saved my change for weeks until I lost the address on the commercial and it had stopped airing. I wanted to be Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, and tried to figure out how to not get my little bulge to stick out when the briefs in her costume were smooth. It was incredibly frustrating.
I used to do everything I could to avoid school. I was an excellent student, straight A teacher’s pet. But I hated gym, and I hated hanging out with boys on the playground. I did not feel like I belonged. I remember being in fourth grade and wearing some decorated underwear that I liked. They had different colored cars on them. Some boys in the class dragged me out of the bathroom where we dressed and into the school hallway. So I would avoid school. I had allergies which helped and then I faked being sick other days.
Around the time that I had the masturbation experience, I used to look at the women’s section in JC Penney and Sears catalogs. I would look at the underwear, but I would also look at the dresses and suits for women and imagine myself wearing them. I would even try to make cleavage from my skinny little male body, and of course I tucked.
We had moved into a new house around this time, with a basement where mom did laundry. They started leaving me at home when they went out around the time I start junior high, so I would go into the basement and try on mom’s clothes. She was pretty small so the fit was alright. I didn’t care for her taste generally, but she has some cute dresses I would like to wear.
I thought I was supposed to have a girlfriend so I picked a girl who sat next to me in English class and asked her out. By some miracle she agreed, so we ended up going to a movie and the roller rink. Nothing serious came from it. But I used to fantasize later that she would take me to her room, explain how great it is to be a girl, and show me how to be one.
Around 13 or 14 I would take pads from my mom and put them in my underwear and pretend I was having a period. I would then do my pillow humping to get ‘pregnant’, then simulate having a baby. To be honest, this is the one thing I have yet to hear another trans girl describe, so it may be a unique experience to me.
I got some friends of mine interested in Dungeons and Dragons, which led me into fantasy and science fiction. Dungeon and Dragons was an outlet for me to play female characters. However my friends would have their characters rape my character, so I stopped doing that. This proved to be a very costly lesson.
When I went to bed around the age, especially if I couldn’t sleep, I would come up with these stories of being captured and converted magically into a woman, or being taken by an alien culture that needed to breed and having my body converted to a woman’s body.
Next time, tragedy and marriage, so even more tragedy.