His First Threesome (I)

Have you ever wondered about having a threesome? Read this article to know about threesomes and how it works

His first Threesome 1

I cajole people to make “graphs” of their sexual experiences using coloured cubes, with my interactive installation called the Graphic Sex Project. It sounds a bit weird, but the results are fascinating and full of insight into what people do. Today’s topic: Threesomes!  A 40-year-old straight cis man (40MScis) made the graph you see above.

Can you parse it? The lowest 3 rows represent the people involved: the 40-old guy (blue), a fuck buddy (yellow), his roommate (pink).  The threesome starts out with three columns of talking (black), mostly between him and his fuck buddy. They discuss the possibility of a threesome, and then they arrange a meeting with his roommate. All of them agree, and he and fuck buddy are clearly excited that the roommate said “yes!”  

He and fuck buddy share a mutual freakout (red). Then the roommate joins them for more talk and negotiation (black and purple, respectively). They drink and smoke marijuana, and kiss for a long time, before getting down to a stimulating time. Now see how the story ends: where it started with him and his fuck buddy talking and arranging, it ends with the fuck buddy gone. He and his roommate share the intimate post-threesome pillow-talk.

Let’s back up and take each section, one at a time. There is so much insight to be found in the details. 

First, the idea is broached: someone suggests a threesome. It is a daunting first step finding that third person. Some couples fantasize about a threesome for years and never find the elusive third. How do you even bring it up to people? 

Do you ask a friend, or in 40MScis’ case, a roommate? Unless you are extremely sure that they are open to the idea, just asking could spoil the friendship and forever make things weird between you. And if they say yes, and you have that threesome, things could still get weird. What is it like to have a threesome with a roommate, and stay simply roommates? 

What if someone catches feelings? Or if the threesome doesn’t go well, then you will have to navigate the aftermath to try to return your relationship to the pre-threesome era.

How to find people who are willing to have a threesome?

You could choose to go to the not-friend route. Make a proposal to a person you meet at a bar, perhaps?

You could put up an online profile on a dating site. If you are hetero wanting an MFF threesome, there are various other couples looking for a woman to join them than there are women looking for a couple to join. If you find the golden ticket, treat that person like royalty — you are very lucky. If you are looking for a cis man, you could be having a threesome this afternoon.

Having a foursome is easier than a threesome?

One thing to consider is having a foursome instead, which is actually much easier to find. Go on a swinger site, make a profile as a couple, and find a compatible couple to play with. A lot of the women are bisexual or bi-curious – not many of the men are (or admit to being). 

Find people you like, go out to dinner, talk about sex, and have your group sex fantasy. 

Still focused on the MFF threesome specifically, and can’t find a person who will do it? Hire a professional. 

Things that could wrong during a threesome or before having one

Back to 40MScis and his graph — he’s found two women. What’s with that freakout (red)? That’s the moment they realize, holy shit, this is really going to happen. All the nervousness and worries and fears pile up. What if it’s awkward? What if I don’t know what to do? What if I decide I don’t want to do it anymore? What if no one pays attention to me? What if someone is jealous? What if the other person is (better-looking, more skilled, more agile, more orgasmic, sexier, bigger, deeper, wetter, skinnier, funnier) than me? It can be intimidating.

“Threesomes call us to confront jealousy, insecurity, fear of rejection, and a host of of other dark seeds inside ourselves. Three-ways can be huge growth experiences that encourage us to drop our insecurities and discover how wholly lovable we really are.” 
― Victoria Vantoch, The Threesome Handbook: Make the Most of Your Favorite Fantasy – the Ultimate Guide for Tri-Curious Singles and Couples

40MScis and his friends do exactly the right thing next: they talk (black) and negotiate (purple). Don’t skip this step. It’s kind of a trial run before the clothes come off. Talking about sex is intimate and risky, like sex. It’s not something we encourage in this culture, so many of us have little experience with it. 

What are the other things that could go wrong? How to talk about someone with whom you want to have a threesome? Come back tomorrow to read about the next part of the article and know all these answers To be continued…..

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