Long term monogamous relationships are both a blessing and a curse in the bedroom department. Imagine knowing every single nook and cranny of your partner, and being able to bring them to climax without any effort at all. Knowing a partner in the most intimate of ways, is an absolutely incredibly satisfying thing to achieve, but there is a major pitfall. By being so in sync, you increase your risk of making sex boring, losing the ability to be spontaneous, and therefor surprise your partner. We as humans have a tendency to grow complacent or fall into routines. If it’s not broken, why fix it? Well, if you are reading this, you probably already know the answer, sex shouldn’t be a chore, but sometimes it feels like it is.
So, how do you keep exploring in the bedroom when you already know your partner inside and out? Well, the simple truth, is that you probably don’t. People grow, and change with new experiences and different exposure to things like media, books, and meeting people in general. So, the person you may have started out with, may have a whole host of new fantasies, questions, or even just topics that could be really fun and sexy to discuss. And you probably do to.
The obvious direction I could take this post is to write about being spontaneous, sending a sexy text, or buying that incredible bottle of wine on the way home to set the stage for an intimate night. But that advice is a dime a dozen. It’s easy to just list all the things that you could do different or try to spice things up. A quick Google search will give you top 10 lists of everything from toys, to lube, to…honestly I couldn’t even begin to summarize that rabbit hole. The thing is, it is easy to follow a trick or tip, but that won’t actually solve anything in the long term. It won’t add intensity, or increase intimacy for anything more than a few nights, at best. So we have to delve a little deeper.
The sexiest thing you can do, with the most long lasting effects is probably the most difficult to have. Try having a sensual conversation about something that you have recently learned about, want to explore, or even just get your partners feedback on. Exploring sexually does not just mean you have to re-enact everything that you have watched or read about. In fact, it is often times much sexier to take a little inspiration and then make it your own. Whisper something new, exciting, or even unexpected in your partners ear. Tickle them in a new way, touch, or caress them with a different scent, or experiment with hot and cold sensations while talking about something you may want to try or explore. The trick here, is to keep your partner on their toes, while being vulnerable and intimate yourself. Offer up something a little spicy or sweet, something tender, or a little more intense than the normal routine. Really shake things ups.
One exercise I like to try, is to think about something you would do with a new partner. Don’t worry this is simply an exercise to get you thinking outside of the box. So really visualize that whole scenario, and what trouble you would get in with someone who didn’t know you or your body. What types of touch would you want to experience, and share in return? What toys would you try, positions, new locations to hook-up, etc. It could be getting dressed up and picking up a bombshell at the bar, then going to a motel for the night. Or trying a new tantalizing position, or even just talking dirty for the first time, saying a word or phrase that you recently heard and your knees buckled. Whatever it is, think about what is stopping you from making this happen with your partner. Would you feel judged? Are you afraid they would wonder what is wrong with you? Is it something that you would never feel comfortable with actually doing and want to just remain a fantasy?
Perfect, hold onto that thought, because that is the key to true emotional intimacy, and that is the real key to keeping the sexual attraction in the long-term. Showing that vulnerability is everything that is right with a long-term monogamous relationship. You should feel safe and secure to expose that scandalous underbelly with your partner. And while it may feel very uncomfortable, it will open up doors, and experiences that will take your relationship to the next level. And chances are incredibly high that your partner is hoping for the exact same thing. A safe and secure environment that they can express themselves, and feel free to explore with you. So have fun, make sure you get consent for whatever you do, and enjoy exploring the depth your relationship can bring!