Being attracted to someone even when you are in a fully committed relationship, deeply in love with your partner, is a completely normal phenomenon as a part of being a human being. Having kinks, having the desire to gain new experiences sexually is okay. People often feel guilty about having fantasies concerning individuals other than their partners when they are in a committed relationship. One of the reasons for feeling this way can be society and the other can be values of the individuals. It is normal to have fantasies but the major part of it depends on how one reacts to these fantasies.
“A constant human error: to believe in an end to one’s fantasies. Our daydreams are the measure of our unreachable truth. The secret of all things lies in the emptiness of the formula that guard them.”
― Floriano Martins
It’s possible that the people most likely to fantasize about someone other than their partners are simply more likely to fantasize about sex in general. They may also have fewer inhibitions and feel less constrained by the bonds of commitment in a long-term relationship. Even if they never act on their fantasies, they don’t punish themselves for having them.
“Sexual fantasies say a lot about the emotional places we go to in our minds. When you find out what’s so sexy about something to you or your lover, you will both want to do it more and you might start to crave the searching for whatever else you have hidden in that beautiful brain.”
― Roberto Hogue, Real Secrets of Sex: A Women’s Guide on How to Be Good in Bed
Whether it’s part of your personality or not, when you have these fantasies, does it mean your relationship is doomed? Are you seeking, as the true unfaithful often do, to make up for a relationship that no longer fulfils your needs? Here again, there is little to guide us from the literature on couples, most of which focus on actual infidelity.
We do know that relationships evolve over the long term and what was once a passionate love affair with your partner might very well have moderated into a warm and mutually rewarding form of companionate intimacy.
Rather than finding a new partner, in reality, you use your fantasy infidelities to add some spice to the mix. It’s even possible that you and your partner find it exciting to swap fantasies, including those about other people. In either of these cases, fantasy infidelities are not a sign that something is profoundly lacking in your relationship.
Is there something about your spouse’s appearance, mannerisms, or behaviour in the bedroom (or elsewhere) that is driving you away mentally? If you’re constantly fantasizing about the same person, what qualities does that other individual have that you feel your partner lacks?
By allowing yourself to explore your fantasies instead of fighting them off, you may gain insights that you can share with your partner. You don’t need to bring up the fantasies, but you can discuss what they might represent.
“I have spent a great deal of my life discovering that my ambitions and fantasies – which I once thought of as totally unique – turn out to be clichés”
― Nora Ephron, Crazy Salad and Scribble Scribble: Some Things About Women and Notes on Media
Moreover, having different kinks can sometimes help to keep the sparks going in the relationship. Fantasies depend on individuals and can be considered as part of exploring your sexual orientation. One does not need to feel bad about having sexual fantasies and trying new things with your partner which may lead to a better sex life with your partner.
If you label your sexual fantasies by their content and not by who they involve, then, it may be possible to view them in a more positive and potentially therapeutic light. You don’t have to succumb to the impulse to act on the fantasy with its original target. Bringing your imagination to bed with you may eventually lead those infidelity fantasies to be replaced by ones that enhance how you and your romantic partner experience shared moments of intimacy.