What is stopping you from exploring more of your sexuality, or all of it for that matter?
A lot of people have reached out to me to talk about the things that stop them from exploring sex & their sexuality. I hear all sorts of things. I recently asked my audience this question and the responses came flooding in. I wished many times I could reach through my screen to comfort all of them, and all of you. I wrote all the responses down into categories so I could see the most common issues, two categories took 99.9% of the responses. Shame and confidence! I knew these things were going to be the big ones but it didn’t make it any easier to see on my paper.
So let’s talk about shame & confidence in relation to sex & our sexuality:
Shame can come from many places, our family, parents, church, teachers and even friends. These don’t all have to relate directly to issues that surround a person’s sexuality, but they can effect our over all confidence in ourselves. Shame comes in many forms – from shaming a child for not being perfect all the time, to teachers calling them out in front of peers, and powerful groups of people telling them that they must check all the boxes. Families and neighbors have taught us that a man & a women marry, build a family, and love only one another all their lives, or, “sex is only for pro creation”, “masturbation is bad”, “save yourself for marriage”…. I could go on, we all know how much you could be shamed just for being yourself.
When you have been taught to believe wanting sex as a woman is wrong or being promiscuous is a sin, it can be difficult to even allow your mind to explore in itself what your desires are, so it is not a shock to think many would feel shame over searching the internet for or it or confiding in your partner what you desire.
Shame can and often does lead to issue with confidence and self-worth but it doesn’t mean shame is present when confidence issues arise, confidence can be there as an adult and then be take from us. A follower wrote in to tell me how her confidence in her body was effected due to a pregnancy that she gained a lot of weight during, and although she lost it quickly after, she is left with stretchmarks and loose skin. As women we know that we have created this miracle of life and birthed a human, but we have just spent 9 months losing our body to it and are left with a body we no longer recognize. So the fact that nobody has shamed us doesn’t mean we don’t struggle to come to terms with the marks it leaves.
Shame can look like:
- ‘I as a man shouldn’t like this sort of thing’ or ‘as an independent woman I shouldn’t want to be sexually degraded or controlled.’
- ‘What if I do it wrong, cum too quick and end up looking foolish.’
- ‘If you are in a non-monogamous lifestyle, you have no morals, are a bad role model, are hurting yourself, and are not the Hollywood version of sexy or beautiful.’
But let me assure you that a cis man is still a cis man if he likes anal stimulation, a feminist woman can still like to be a submissive, we ALL make mistakes or look goofy sometimes, sex can be messy and funny, just have fun! As long as what you do is safe and consensual, who cares what people think, what you desire doesn’t have to say anything about what kind of parent you are, or what kind of morals you have. Beauty is in the light in someones heart – be healthy and take care of yourself, but know that there is a kind of person out there for everyone. Some people like a thin person, some like more curves, what ever you got, you are someones cup of tea, I promise!
Struggling with shame and confidence can be a lonely place, so reach out to someone if you need help, or to just talk about it. Surround yourself with people who create space for you to be you, surround yourself with positive messages in your social media, in the books your read and even the shows you watch (negative messages come from many sources).
With Wild Love,